I’ve been sitting on writing this blog for a few days.
I’ve actually been sitting on a lot of things for the past few days.
It’s amazing how a single email can stop you in your tracks and cause you to cower under your covers in a ball.
it wasn’t even a bad email
it was a GOOD email.
But I’m not ready to talk about THAT yet.
Last week in itself was HELL.
It was really hard.
It all started on last (not super bowl) Sunday night at my Grandma’s old house.
And it was really hard. I had to grieve in a whole new way that was unknown to me.
But now being back each time going over there (my uncle lives there now) is EXTREMELY hard.
I say holla, walk through the house, and go straight out the back door in to the orchards and cry. It’s the only time I really cry since being home.
So that’s how that week started.
And it kept getting darker and darker. Reentry is no joke my friends. Coming back from the most life-changing, horribly hard, joyful, best year of my life is like living constantly like the breath has just been knocked out of me.
I just wanted some happy. Something good.
And on then near the end of the week, I went to my new favorite coffee shop and sat to journal. And as I looked back on some sermon notes on grace I remembered when my teammate Lauren had me look up the word hope in the dictionary back in our tents in Cambodia. And I remember looking it up for her on my computer dictionary and reading it out loud. But I didn’t remember the definition. So I decided to look it up again.
1.To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment
2. To have confidence; trust.
3. To look forward to with confidence or expectation.
Hope is a VERB?
It’s an action word.
It’s a call to MOVE.
I don’t know why that hit me so hard.
Here I am with this dream in life to give others hope.
And it’s a verb.
And it was like all of sudden a bunch of things clicked into place.
I want to hear story.
I want to listen.
Help declare truth.
Help declare HOPE.
Help create movement.
Because we all need someone to listen, to speak life into us, to declare that the things we are hearing are not the truth and to cover those lies with truth. We need someone, anyone, besides to tell us that our dream, our lives and our hearts are worth pursuing
We need someone to remind of us hope.
To show us the reason to move forward.
And that’s my dream, my life and my heart.
To remind YOU of these things.
To walk by you as you go about whatever it is God has given you.
To battle with you, stand with you and remind you that HE is also there with you.
To remind you to keep moving.
I don’t know what it’s going to look like. I don’t know exactly how I am going to get there. (wherever that “there” is)
I don’t know if anyone even wants or needs that person who instills truth and helps instill movement to hope.
I think I might have found a place to do that and I am excited at the prospect of it (and also terrified.)
So yes, I am still having a hard time. I still need help finding joy, creating hope movement and making my happy. I still feel like I will be/am all alone in this desire.
But from what I’ve learned, when you feel as if you are standing alone in something