Spain g42 · To dream

My expectations weren’t big enough

I didn’t expect my life to change this week. I’m not the kind of person whose life changes instantaneously-not with a word or a moment.

I’ve struggled with things that don’t change over night.
I remember walking out of my therapist’s office the last time I saw him in December.
And I realized I had changed. I was new. It had taken a long time- over 4 years of counseling in a windowless room.
I grew up in a household where it was normal life to watch people struggle with sobriety. That too is a process that is not an overnight healing.

So this week when my life was changed I didn’t notice.

This week was meaty. From just four days of class and life I have accumulated over 30 pages in my journal of rambles and notes. I’ve sent many “oh girl” texts to friends in my life-lacking the words to articulate what was happening.

And on Thursday when all was said and done I realized I believe.

All of it.

What does that mean?

I have operated most of my life out of this weird version of humbleness and confidence. I do know who I am.

I’d just rather you not tell me.
Don’t put me up in front of a room and speak truth to me.

Please PLEASE put your attention on someone who NEEDS the strength.

I have plenty that I will freely give.
I don’t do or speak to get affirmation.
I just do.
I actually get physically uncomfortable and anxious when people speak truth about myself to me or when people compliment something I have done.
Clearly I don’t mind being the center of attention- I’d just rather be in control of the attention.

I’m really good at telling people that I’m learning to believe the words that are spoken to me.

But the thing is I don’t need to learn.
I need to choose.

I couldn’t run from affirmation this week. It shocked me and actually came from somewhere I didn’t expect.

After an intense afternoon in my head during class I went to talk to our teacher for the week (a coffee shop owning Irishman) and after a statement I didn’t think I needed to hear or had the capacity to recieve I uttered my normal “trying to believe” statement.

Then I thought- what if I chose to believe?
What if I actually believed those incredible, powerful though seemingly undeserving words he had spoken to me?
What would it change if I believed I speak truth, that I am wise, that I hear God’s voice?
What if I believe that I am indeed amazing?
Not in a cocky prideful way but being grounded in the fact that while yes, I do have the power to speak for others and spur them on that I am allowed to create something big as well?
That I no longer question my genuineness because no one else does. What if I walked in my own truth and power?

How much more could I do?
What would that change?

Everything.
It changes EVERYTHING.
I’m not saying I have it all figured out-not saying I’m no longer going to struggle with things or have moments of insecurity.

But it is saying that I can utilize all of those words, those truths that people have spoken over me for myself.

Piclab-1

(my identity map that I did with the class// #mindblown)

I’m amazingly good at speaking truth and creating hope for others

I recognize that I hear from God in many different ways

But I always thought none of that was for me. I thought I had to give it all away.

But that’s not true.
It’s for me to dream.

So when I made the decision to choose to believe in what others say I’m choosing to pick up what’s for me and run with it.

Choosing to love myself as I love others.
Choosing to believe I have something to give.
Choosing to believe means that I can change things.

I honestly believed before this week that I am not seen- not in a bad negative way- but in the way that my presence does not cause ripples on a group, just in individuals.
I believed that I didn’t need to be noticed.

I just didn’t realize that I am supposed to be noticed.
That my voice is recognized and heard.
Even in little things.

I know why I am here now.
I truly am here for more.
More than I ever actually knew existed.
The more I was searching for.
I’ll be updating my “journey with me” page because now I know why I need support.

I’m still flabbergasted.
I didn’t expect anwsers this week.
I didn’t expect to feel home amidst discomfort.
I didn’t expect that I would have even more to say then what I have already said.
I didn’t expect victory or surprise or love.
I didn’t expect much.
I didn’t expect my life to change this week.

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6 thoughts on “My expectations weren’t big enough

  1. I believe in you Meg. I always have. It blesses my heart to read about your epiphany moment of perspective and courage to seize it. Trust in The Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path. I love you sis, keep up the good fight!

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