I bought a new journal about a month ago or so. I didn’t need a new journal, I am nowhere close to finish my current journal. And it has lines.😳
It’s this beautiful tiny journal with a silly story on the front and the back. But as I held it, I knew that lines or not, with even its small amount of pages, it was a journal for me to tell a story in. I could feel it.
It’s still blank. I haven’t written a single word.
I carried it to California this past weekend in hopes that I might pause, that I might unearth a lesson long buried there.
Sunday was a weird day.
I went to church, and then went to the place I used to work to meet up with a lovely family I haven’t seen in a year and a half.
And a heaviness followed me.
When I set foot through the gate I walked through hundreds and hundreds of times the heaviness met me. And as I sat on the benches and looked around the courtyard, I couldn’t shake the feeling.
I got hugs from my Grandma Winnie and went out to lunch with Eric and Cathy and their boys and I had very few words it seems for this year that has put me under.
And I couldn’t verbalized it. For all the words I’ve written and conversations I’ve had and tears I’ve cried, my brain didn’t want to connect.
It was the walk through the neighborhood I used to call home that caused me to realize something, the walk home caused a song lyric to start playing through my brain.
I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.
Leaving Orange County four years ago was the hardest/best decision I have ever made.
That decision spawned another and another and another.
And now I’m in Bellingham.
I’m 31. I’ve essentially worked in the same “industry” for over ten years. I have a full (expired) passport. I have amazing friends here and there and everywhere in between. I have a beautiful unique faith that I build upon daily and I have a pretty good grasp on the person that is Meghan Marie Reeve.
I do my best to show up for my life daily, through joy and laughter and sorrow and tears.
And I still don’t necessarily know what I am looking for.
I’ve found a lot of things in my life so far, and I think I’m up for some more.
We get told to settle a lot. To give up. To stop hoping. To marrying that guy, to stay in the job.
We get told a lot to not jump. To squash the desire for more.
It’s ok to keep looking for more as long as you don’t give up life around you. It’s ok to not have found what your looking for as long as you continually live fully in the present.
Walking down the streets I walked down more times than I can count attempting to shake of the heaviness that was settling, I realized that I am ok with not having found what I am looking for.
16 years ago I found something and chose to follow Christ.
14 years ago I found something and chose to go to Vanguard.
9 years ago I found it and chose to stay.
4 years ago I found it and chose to leave.
And twice since then I’ve chosen to go.
And now here I am. Living my life as fully as I can.
I don’t know what I will find next. I’m growing accustom to the feeling of more.
Please please please, don’t be afraid, as you fully live your life, to let the feeling of more allow you to reach farther than you have, to do more then you thought you could. Be who you are, where you are and there I believe we will once again find something to add to our trove of lessons, victories, and memories. We will find and create stories to nestle in tiny journals and tell our kids.
As I got to the end of this compilation of sentences, a friend of mine popped in my brain.
My favorite Casey Marie.
Casey is one of those humans from my small town that I couldn’t tell you how long I’ve known. It seems like she’s always been in my life.
Casey, this blog and these words are for you. You are a dynamic spitfire, who has come and gone. You’ve won over crowds with your ability to bring them to tears or have them in stitches. You’ve found so many trinkets and unicorns in your life. And you are on the cusp of another.
2017 is for you.
(It’s for you too. And even if you’ve found a long list of things in your life, even if you’re 90. You can still find more of what you are looking for.)